A warm hello,
Today is the day after Valentine’s Day and for the past couple of days I have been pausing to think about all the many women, widow friends and widow coaching clients I have had the good fortune to know and love. It seems to always strike some personal cord (a feeling or emotion) within us as holidays, anniversaries and a day such as Valentine’s Day are upon us, doesn’t it?
Chocolates, flowers, balloons, the words “I love you”, a simple smile or a hug…are what many of us wish for on Valentine’s Day. To love and to be loved. For me, I admit, I go for all that “cliche” stuff. Romance, a hug and a flower or two had and have put smiles on my face for many years.
When my husband Rory died, Valentine’s Day was another reminder (not that I needed any more reminders ofcourse, as it was clearly evident in every step I took and every breathe I took) that he was not here. I found myself the first couple of years putting fresh flowers in my home, from me to myself and from me to my son Ryan. That felt good on a Valentine’s Day. I began celebrating Valentine’s with my friends and enjoyed writing Valentine little cards to my son’s Kindergarten classmates. Although “alone” and no longer married, I began to find the love all around me.
Recently I was reminded of 2 quotes which stick with me. It was during the 2007 movie “PS. I Love You” where a young widow discovers that her late husband has left her 10 messages intended to ease her pain and help her start a new life. The first quote is when actress Kathy Bates (Patricia) provides these words to Hillary Swank her grieving widowed daughter (Holly) …”So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is, if we’re all alone, then we’re all together in that too.” My takeaway is this, no matter what, we are not alone.
Each widow walks her own path and it is her own personal journey. What ever choices, decisions and actions you are taking or not taking, be sure they are in your best interest. That you give yourself a well deserved hug and take good care of yourself for today and for tomorrow. Remember, you are not alone.
The second quote is from Holly’s late husband Gerry and it states “Don’t be afraid to fall in love again”. So be open to love again…to love your life…your work…your family…your friends…and another man again if you choose.
Coach Corner:
Remember, you are not alone. Reach out to others.
Warmly,
Colleen Phillips
Certified Coach, CPCC, ACC, CPBA
GJ's Wedding
A Warm Hello,
My brother was married this past weekend. It was a beautifully brisk and sunny New England fall day when wedding vows were exchanged. We (family and friends) often joked my brother would never marry as he waited until he was 43 years old. But it was to be that he would marry, and on his own timeline. I wish him and his bride a lifetime of happiness!
More than a few things struck me this past weekend.
1. How quickly time marches on.
- It has been 28 years since I moved out of my childhood home and left for college. My brother was just finishing his high school freshman year. I moved far away from home after college, so my brother and I have been apart a great deal longer than we were together. I did not know his best man or many of the other important people in his life. That was hard and an “A-Ha” moment.
- My grandmother (who thankfully I got an opportunity to visit) is 94 years old.
- My father has only 2 of his 6 other brothers and sisters still living (gratefully I got to see them this past weekend.)
- It has been 5 1/2 years since my husband Rory passed away and my son is now 8 1/2.
2. How important it is to decide to “Carpe Diem” (Seize the Day) or to wait for another time or the right time.
We each know from losing our husbands that we can have the “I wish I had’s” or “I wish I could say or do’s”. Death is such a finality. We cannot go back and change the past, but we can do some soul searching and make the conscious choices now about our present lives and work that make the most sense to us. We can choose what makes the most sense to us . (For example, my brother choosing to wait until his 40’s to marry and being very very happy.) Or, carpe diem (siezing the day) to recognize a change and action that is important to take now.
An “A’Ha” for me is to Carpe Diem (seize the day) with building a stronger relationship with my brother. Although we love one another, time is marching on and I do not wish to become strangers.
Our lives are full of “A-Ha” moments.
Paying attention to these moments and what they mean to us personally, can help self guide us on the path for potential change.
Coach Corner:
What are some of your recent “A-Ha” moments?
What do they mean to you?
Knowing that time is marching on, is there something or someone in which you want to “seize the day”?
Here’s to You.
Warmly,
Colleen.
If interested in widow support, visit www.CoachingForWidows.com or call 941-739-4853
Colleen Phillips, CPCC, ACC, CPBA
GJ's Wedding
Making a Splash!
Making a Splash!
Whale Done! The Power of Positive Relationships
In Ken Blanchard’s bestselling book, Whale Done, he writes about “Catching People Doing Things Right”, as a meaningful strategy in the work place. So it is, and in life as well.
This year my son’s Elementary school began a new policy of awarding tickets to students when the teachers catch them doing something right. For example, being an active learner or treating others with respect. It has been amazing to watch and listen to the children as they strive to attain tickets and receive positive feedback. The children feel acknowledged and valued. They also LOVE turning in their accrued tickets for an ice cream. Rewards are GREAT are they not? Talking about “how many tickets did you get today” is always part of the car pool daily discussion. I just love it!
So, recently I have been paying attention to how in business and in life I enjoy and do Catch People Doing Things Right. It builds trust, builds relationships and motivates others, by accentuating the positive and redirecting energy when mistakes are made. This is something I want and choose to keep on doing. What I am also paying more attention to is, I do not always treat myself the same way I treat others. For example, I am more apt to be hard on myself, spending energy on what I did not get done, or what I could have done better instead of paying attention and acknowledging what I did right. Let’s face it, sometimes getting up to bat at all (or in the early days after my husband passed away, getting out of bed and facing a new day) is an accomplishment.
So, I have decided to take on a new perspective to catch myself doing things right more of the time. Up till now, what I would have been thinking or saying to myself about the day would be something like, Colleen you didn’t get to this or you didn’t do that or why didn’t you…You get the picture right? Yesterday, I was beating myself up because I did not get to clean the entire house and that is where I put my focus and attention. So, let’s look at this differently and catch myself doing something right. What I want to acknowledge is:
1. I took care of my son (who stayed out of school due to a cold). I made a good decision to have him rest one more day.
2. I completed a scheduled phone coaching session with a client
3. I wrote an overview for my book and sent my initial writings to a writing coach
4. I scheduled a strategy session with an expert I admire and want to work with
5. I cleaned most of the house and had someone else clean the windows
6. I spent quality time in the evening with my son and significant other
7. We bought my brother’s wedding present (online—how wonderful and easy!)
WOW!! When I take the time to acknowledge what I did right or even where I got up to “bat”, it feels much lighter and much more kind to me. Actually it is quite empowering!
Coach Corner- Self-Coaching Questions
1. How often do I catch myself doing things right?
2. Where can I catch myself doing things right or getting up to bat more often?
3. What will empower me? What will build the most positive relationship with me?
Here’s to You!
Warmly,
Colleen
A warm hello,
Recently, Woman’s World Magazine wrote a story about my personal ”Journey of Widowhood” and my transition over the past years to life and business coach. The Woman’s World story highlights www.CoachingForWidows.com and a bit about the work I do in partnership with Widow clients.
As there are over 700,000 new widows in the United States every year, my story is just one of many. I hope the article is inspirational to other women that are also wrestling with major life transitions. May we all support and learn from each other. May we each find our own support network, clarity of purpose and a “new normal” that works!
Warmly,
Colleen
If you are curious about coaching for widows, please contact me.
September 11, 2009
A warm hello,
Today is a day full of pause, reflection, memories, sadness and hope.
It is hard to believe that eight years have passed since that beautiful early fall morning. The sky was crystal clear and the sun shined with brilliance. We did not know what was to occur on that tragic day.
We all remember where we were. We remember the shock, fear and terror of that fateful day. We glued ourselves to our televisions and prayed for survivors. We tried calling those we loved to make sure they were alright.
I was at the Philadelphia airport with my boarding pass in hand and just moments from boarding a plane. It was then, on the airport’s television monitor, I saw the first plane crash into the tower. There was a brief silence and confusion set in. When the second plane hit the tower, there was the loudest collective gasp I had ever heard, and then total silence. The silence was almost audible, and as I looked around I witnessed the disbelief apparent on every person’s face. Then, reaction set in. There was noise, people immediately placing phone calls or speaking to those next to them trying to find meaning in THE unimaginable moment. Other people continued to be silent in their own disbelief.
When the third plane crashed into the Pentagon, all flights were grounded. I remember a woman who was very upset that she was going to be “inconvenienced” due to the cancelled flights. I remember thinking, “how could she be behaving like that at a time like this?” I’m not sure any of us at that point were thinking very clearly.
I quickly proceded to my car and began my drive back home (which at the time was about 1 1/2 hours from the airport). My father called to make sure I was safe. I felt very loved by him. I tuned the radio to a New York station trying to get “on the ground” information as I drove in somewhat of a panic. As I drove along the Pennsylvania turnpike heading west, I heard on the radio about the plane believed to be in my general area and considered to possibly be heading towards the White House. I looked up in the sky as I drove (not a good idea while driving…again, not thinking clearly) trying to see if the plane was in sight. All I wanted was to get home to my 6 1/2 month old son and hold him in my arms. I pushed the pedal down further in hopes of having him in my arms one moment sooner. I called my husband to tell him I was alright and not to worry. Rory, my husband, said “I’m glad you are okay, but what would I be worrying about, and hey, aren’t you supposed to be on the plane by now”? It seemed amazing to me at that moment, but he didn’t know what had happened. I picked up my son from day care, met my husband and together we watched the news…held our breath…cried our tears…tried to breathe and take it all in.
As I reflect back, in just a few short weeks we discovered Rory had stage 3 cancer. The months that followed were a nightmare for me and my family. The loss of a loved one is always a tragic event.
So, today eight years later…it is a time to remember and never forget. It is a time to also count our blessings and to each find our own unique way to make the world a better place.
Warmly,
Colleen
Tags: 9/11, Add new tag, widows
The final day with the Juice-mobile
A warm hello,
It is the end of an era. The SUV my late husband Rory and I purchased 8 1/2 years ago when our son was born, was traded in this week. It was time.
Over the years with carting around children, car pools, soccer games and treks to the beach, I fondly began to refer to our SUV as “The Juice-mobile”. A dedication to my son’s spills and crumbs and my lack of detailing and TLC of the vehicle. After a while it was just what it was, a “Juice-mobile” and transportation. One additional note…it was my husband’s vehicle primarily before he passed. He loved it and he took care of it. I remember how happy and pleased he was when he had the vehicle detailed not long before he was admitted to the hospital for the last time. He never came home from the hospital and never again had the chance to drive what was to become the “Juice-mobile”.
As much as it was time and I’m thrilled with our new vehicle, there were a range of memories and emotions that came to play as I said goodbye to the “Juice-mobile”. It was yet another symbol to me of an end to an era, or the end of a chapter.
At the same time, the reality is, the past will always be a part of me and my present and future. As new chapters in life are written and experienced I take all of it with me.
It can be a challenge for widows (me too!) to change, remove, or give away our late husbands or joint items. Sometimes, we choose to save and cherish items, and others we lovingly box up or pay forward.
Some of the first items I gave away were some of Rory’s clothes. There had been an apartment complex fire nearby one of my friends homes. There were men that had lost all of their material possessions including their clothing. I lovingly boxed up lots of Rory’s clothing (and kept some of his favorites) and gave them to a needy cause. I cried, boy did I cry, but in my heart and in my head it was the right thing for me to do.
Now that 5 years have passed since his death, it may not be as traumatic, but still…
So onto another new chapter. May we fondly look back to our days and experiences with the “Juice-mobile” and may there be many new and enjoyable experiences “in our new ride” yet to come.
Coach Corner:
Check in with yourself and ask yourself these self-coaching questions about your husband’s belongings.
1. Am I at peace with what I’ve kept?
2. Am I at peace with what I’ve changed, discarded or paid forward?
3. What if anything do I want to acknowledge or do differently?
Here’s to you.
Warmly,
Colleen
If you are curious about widow coaching, call or email me at 941-739-4853 or colleen76@verizon.net and we can explore if it is right for you.
Tags: Widow Coaching, widow support
Time Tips
A warm hello to my fellow widows,
Many of us widows are juggling lots of balls. I know I am. Just when I believe that I have gotten into a good routine…bam…something can come along to throw me off track or be a cause of frustration. It can be a new change of sort either at work or at home. Now, for example, summer is ending, school is beginning and there are new work responsibilities and challenges occurring. As we all know, change is always present, therefore we must change with it. It is not always easy, but there are some things we can do along the way that might help.
When my husband Rory first died, I was overwhelmed and in deep grief. It was a devastating change and one that took a long time to meet and adapt to. I had no idea at first what to do or even who I was when I felt that half of me had died too. But like all of us widows, I began the journey of walking through the grief and into this new phase of life.
Along the way, I’ve learned and been reminded of the importance of extreme self care. Today, as I was stressed about a few things and venting, I was reminded about how I often share with others the importance of self care, consistently and especially in times of stress. (and being widows we’ve encountered our share of that!) I was then informed I had not been doing such a good job of walking my talk and taking time for me and self-care. Ouch!! I appreciate the feedback as it was true. I know when I am not taking the best care of me and “over doing it”, the life/work stresses can absolutely take a toll and I can become unfocused and overwhelmed.
So, back to widow extreme self-care. Here are a few time tips to help us exhibit some self-care. Also, I invite you to add your self-care strategies to the comments section so all widows reading this blog can learn from each other what works well. So, here are some time tips for extreme self-care.
1. Plan: Fifteen minutes a day planning will save forty-five minutes later. (The action of planning was helpful even during the darkest days after losing my husband as it helped me focus!)
2. If you really want to do something, schedule it in. Arrange for a babysitter (if you need one) so you can go to the gym, have a night with friends, set aside thirty minutes to do some journaling, read a book, get a pedicure, clean out a closet etc.)
3. Create Systems: Have places where you always put things. (I am always striving to be a “filer, not a piler”). It does save time and it helps us stay organized. Without systems we can create clutter, chaos and additional stress. (As we know, there is so much important financial/medical etc. paperwork that needs to be organized)
4. Delegate or Ask For Help: Even if you think you cannot. Ask a friend or family member to pick up the kids, or go to the market, anything you can possiby think of.
This whole week I have been guilty of not taking extreme self-care. I’ll tell you a little secret. I took 15 minutes to plan the rest of my week. Guess what I scheduled in my calendar for tomorrow?…yes, some self-care! A pedicure/manicure is scheduled in. WooHoo! I feel better already!
What are some of your best widow self-care tips. Would love to read them!
Warmly,
Colleen
To learn more about widow coaching, call 941-739-4853.
fun-inspirational-a-national-conference-on-widowhood-audio2
A Warm Hello,
In case you missed it, we had the first National Conference on Widowhood July 17-19 in beautiful San Diego, California. (Sponsored by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation) Yes, there were a whole bunch of “Widows In the House”! What a time it was…The hotel staff (much to their surprise) commented on what a fun group we were. Widows = Fun; perhaps that might not be expected by many “non widows”, or let’s face it, may not even be what some of us widows would think either. But it WAS!
At the conference, there were widows ranging in ages all across the board (20’s to 70’s) and widows that ranged from a couple of months to 14 years post the death of their spouses. Some widows lost their husbands very quickly to tragedies such as a car accident, heart attack or killed during military action while others shared experiences such as caring for their spouses through long illnesses such as cancer. There were widows not only from the U.S. and Canada but Iraq, Kenya and Republic of Singapore. Each widow had their individual story and situation (as do you and I), AND we all had a common bond. We understood, we “got it”, we could nod our heads up and down and really connect to the widow walk and journey. We also found it was okay to quickly ask and actively listen to topics such as, so “how did it happen and how long has it been” and not feel that strange in the least. This was the raw advantage and blessing of bringing together a group of widows.
The common bond also included the desire of each widow to make the commitment for personal and potentially professional development by attending this conference. The wonderful women I had the great fortune to meet were wanting to make a positive difference in their lives, to rediscover themselves, get crystal clear about what was important now and to take the actions that would move them forward. What a group!
We had a day of tremendous workshops geared to supporting widows. I was a speaker at the conference and plan to post my presentation on www.CoachingForWidows.com. The title was ”Embrace Life: Lights, Camera, Action” and we did an experiential coaching exercise including the Wheel of Life. You will be able to follow along with the audio, the PowerPoint presentation and have the exercises available for download to use in conjunction. It will be the next best thing to being there and I hope it provides a great service and support to you!
Coach Corner:
1. How would you rate your level of satisfaction (1-10) on your personal/professional development? (this could include support groups, classes, books, life experiences, a coach, etc.)
2. What are the things you are doing or not doing that are having a positive effect? What are the things you are doing or not doing that are having a negative effect?
3. What is one thing you can commit to doing (however small or big) that would make a difference? What will you do and when will you do it?
Here is to You!
Warmly,
Colleen
www.CoachingForWidows.com
A Warm Hello,
My coach once shared a quote with me quote with me that said, “Take the Leap and Build the Wings on the Way Down.”
That was in 2006, about a year and a half after my husband Rory passed away when I found myself at a major crossroad both personally and professionally. To bottom line it, I knew I had to make significant changes in the way I worked, how much I worked, how available and present I was for my young son and it was also time for some self care. Can you relate? I worked too much (because I thought I had to), I slept too little (because I worked too much), I was stressed out (because I worked too much and slept too little), I struggled with being a single parent to my young son (because I was stressed out), and I ran as hard and as fast as I could to not feel and experience the full and raw pain of my grief.
So, after much hand wringing, and more tossing and turning I decided to “Take the Leap and Build the Wings on the Way Down.” This involved quitting my job (a corporate career of 19 years), going back to school, starting a business and taking the time to breathe and to grieve.
For the past few years I have been building my wings and learning how to fly solo and along my own personal flight plan. I have become accustomed to being alone, to making all the decisions for me and my son, and in knowing I had me and just me to rely on. Okay, it hasn’t been a bowl of cherries, but I’ve figured it out for the most part. (I still hit some turbulence now and then)
Now, enter my significant other, whom I love dearly and who has become a very important part of our lives. This, as you can imagine is a very big deal! It is awesome and personally eye opening as well. Eye opening because I am still learning how to be the best me I can be and I can still get hung up. For so long it seems I’ve been the “widow” and all that entails. Now, after five years of flying with just my own wings, it seems I need to remember what it is like to have a “wingman” again. (A “wingman” is someone who supports and backs us up). I’ve been somewhat afraid to lean on him. It is almost a forgotten behavior and I’ll also admit I have been a little fearful of losing someone I love again to death. Such is life. I know there are no guarantees, and I intellectually know not to spend my energies on the “what if’s” something happens to him, but with that said I am still I am a work in progress.
So, the next course on my flight plan includes continuing to work through my own personal issues (fear of another loss), to cherish my “wingman” and learn to allow myself to lean on someone and completely love again. I also plan to be a great “wing woman”, because I’ve learned I am strong and a great support person as well! This is and continues to be quite a journey. A woman’s (and a widow’s) walk or “Soaring Spirit” is ongoing, is it not?
My hope and plan is to keep flying (adjust as necessary for turbulence) and I absolutely hope to see many of you building your wings, flying and soaring high in the sky.
Coach Corner:
What will it be like for you to build your wings? What is one action (however small or big) you could take?
Warmly,
Colleen Phillips
Tags: Add new tag, widow support
A warm hello,
We often see or hear the phrase “Happy Anniversary”, don’t we? Venture into any card store and you’ll find an assortment of cards depicting the phrase “Happy Anniversary”. Fortunately, I did experience “Happy Anniversaries” in my marriage, and I could buy those cards, and for that I am grateful. Tomorrow would have been my 15 year wedding anniversary. However, as my husband Rory’s death was 5 years ago today, Happy Anniversary is not in the cards. I doubt if I walked into a card store I could find “just the right card” to depict what these Anniversaries evoke.
So, the questions come every year around the anniversary of his death. What to do? How to be on this Anniversary day? How “best” to remember and honor? How best do I help my son remember? (He was just 3 years old when Rory passed) How much is too much, how much is too little? Should there be a yearly ritual? As the years go by, so much has changed. I have been racking my brain and asking myself how do I honor this “anniversary day” in a meaningful and authentic way now? If we are remembering Rory all throughout the year, how can we best remember him on this one day? How much weight do we give the “Anniversary Day”? I do remember Rory every day and do my best to share interesting and funny daddy stories along the way with my son Ryan.
Is there a “best” or “right” way to commemorate? As far as I can tell, each and every situation is unique and what I hope to be true is that my heart and head continue to guide me to make good decisions and when I make mistakes, I learn from them.
This year, I will write a card to Rory and Ryan will write a card to daddy. We’ll attach them to a helium filled balloon (Ryan loves balloons!) and let the balloon lift up in the sky as we remember. Here is the card I have written and will attach to the balloon (since it must come from me and not Hallmark for this type of Anniversary). On the outside of the card I have written, “Honoring the Past and Embracing the Future”.
Dear Rory,
You are missed and you are loved. It has been 5 years now. Here are a few memories I want to share.
I can still see you wearing the “Survivor Buff” you wore throughout chemotherapy. You were such a trooper and you showed me and everyone that even in the midst of pain and a terminal prognosis, a person can be at their best, and you were. You were a role model for us all. I can still see you with a smile on your face even when you were in pain, getting treatments, or in the hospital (well most of the time anyway). I can still see how happy you were on our wedding day, the days and years we shared, and let’s not forget the day you finally got your cherished John Deere lawn tractor. I thought your cheeks might crack from smiling so much!
I can still hear your laugh and the jokes you used to play on our family and friends. Ryan’s laugh is just as lovely…I wonder if he will be like you as he grows up? In many ways he already is. He is a constant reminder of you, our love and our life together. I can never thank you enough for our son.
Today, Ryan and I are sending a balloon and cards in your honor. I want you to know that it has been a challenging 5 years, but everything is getting better all the time. I know you wanted me to eventually find someone to love, to share a life with, and who would also be good with and love Ryan. I couldn’t fathom that thought for a very long time, but now I can tell you that I am very happy. I have fallen in love with a wonderful man (someone you personally knew and thought was “one of the good guys”!) I know you would be happy. Ryan is doing great. He’ll always love and miss his daddy. I’ll always love and miss you.
We were blessed to have you in our lives.
Much Love, Colleen
So my dear Coaching For Widows reader, I hope you find your own special and unique way each day, including anniversaries. One day at a time.
Warmly, Colleen Phillips, Coaching For Widows